You Might Be An ER Physician/Nurse If...

This came through my inbox in 1996 -- and again last week, from a friend who thought I'd enjoy it. As a former paramedic, I can assure you that many Emergency Room docs and nurses (and paramedics) have thought many of these thoughts.

You Might Be An ER Physician/Nurse If...

1. you believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

2. discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

3. you believe a good tape job will fix anything.

4. you have the bladder capacity of five normal people.

5. you can identify the positive teeth-to-tattoo ratio.

6. your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.

7. you find humor in other people's stupidity.

8. you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

9. you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.

10. you have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

11. your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.

12. you encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out Against Medical Advice so you don't have to deal with them any longer.

13. you believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.

14. you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

15. you plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.

16. you believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.

17. you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.

18. you refer to Friday as "Dump Day".

19. your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.

20. you believe chocolate is a food group.

21. you take it as a compliment when someone calls you a bastard.

22. you compliment complete strangers out in public on their "good veins".

23. you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

24. you don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.

25. you have ever referred to someones death as a "Celestial Discharge".

26. you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)

27. you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".

28. your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.

39. you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide: Getting it right."

30. you believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.

31. you have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.

Posted October 21, 2011

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