You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

You don't sweat, you percolate.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

When someone asks "How are you?" you reply, "Good to the last drop."

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You short out motion detectors.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

You can type 60 words per minute ...with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

All your kids are named "Joe."

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

People get dizzy just watching you.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Your farts smell like espresso.

Mosquitoes that bite you can fly through glass.

You stand in front of the microwave screaming, "Hurry up!"

During a police raid, you are caught shooting freeze dried Folgers in a coffee joint with Mrs. Folgers.

You use meth as a sedative.

Your friends refer to your coffee as elephant stimulant.

Your coffee was the prototype for the alien blood in Aliens.

You rush into the hospital emergency room, suffering from withdrawal and demand, "Quick! Start an I.V.: D5Caffeine. Stat!"

You are arrested for cultivating coffee plants for more than just your own personal use.

When served coffee at a friend's house, you sometimes add "No Doze" so you get enough caffeine.

Posted January 8, 2016

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