Yasir Arafat's Last Will and Testament
Discovered in a hole in his compound...?
I, Yasir Arafat, leader of the Palestinian people, being of corrupted mind and runty filthy little body do bequeath the following:
To my wife Suha I leave all the jewelry, purchased with United Nations relief funds, stashed in safe deposit boxes throughout The Grand Caymans, The Channel Islands and the First Syrian Bank of Damascus.
To the Mullahs in Iran I leave the anthrax, nail-filled vests and detonators stashed away in the basement of my estate on the West Bank.
I want the $880 million in cash hidden away is Swiss bank accounts to be divided equally between Suha and the United Nations Security Council. Both bent over and let me have my way with them, though each in their own special way. My beloved Suha put up more of a struggle then Kofi, but he has had much more experience in "bending over" for murderous thugs. It was Suha's first time. At least, that's what she said.
To my beloved Palestinian people who I love and have fought for, I leave a large roll of 3-mil contractor's trash bags so you can sweep up some of the refuse and trash you left in front of my mansion.
Suha may retain the luxury flat in Paris.
The Palestinian people who I love and fought for can have whatever the Israelis didn't destroy when they bombed my garage. I think there are some old fatigues and a Coleman stove that needs a new propane tank. Suha may keep the fleet of Mercedes that she has accumulated over the past 4 years.
My beloved Palestinian people who I love and have fought for can have: my sincerest best wishes for a prosperous future.
Suha may keep the Van Cleef and Arpels diamond and platinum necklace I bought her for our anniversary.
The Palestinian people who I love and fought for can have whatever paper towels and plastic forks are left in the pantry of my mansion in the West Bank.
To the young boys who I slept with while Suha was living in Paris, please give them my collection of Michael Jackson tapes and CDs.
To the Palestinian people who I loved and fought for, I leave them with my last wish, to continue to live in filth and die for no damn good reason, to sacrifice their children and kill as many Israeli infants as possible so that you might advance your cause. But keep your hands off Suha's Mercedes and jewelry you filthy ignorant swine.
To the crews of the Israeli helicopters that circled my compound: nice shooting fellas. That last rocket attack took out my 60-inch plasma flat screen.
To Suha I leave my French impressionist collection currently hanging on the walls of her apartment in Paris.
And, to my beloved Palestinian people who I loved and fought for, I leave you the list of Israeli Day Care centers so you will know where to explode yourselves without having to do a great deal of research. And please, do something about the open trench latrines in your neighborhood. You don't bathe often and you were starting to gross me out.
We will all eat lamb in paradise.
Your beloved, faithful and devoted leader, the wealthy, and quite dead,
PS: Where are my 72 virgins?
Posted January 13, 2005