Jumbo Joke: Humor the Way You Like It

What You Must Believe to be a Good Democrat

• You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

• You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

• You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

• You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

• You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

• You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

• You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

• You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

• You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

• You have to believe that self esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

• You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.

• You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

• You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

• You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

• You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

• You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

• You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

• You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

• You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

• You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

• You have to believe that the posting of this list is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

Posted July 30, 2004 10:36 AM