Wall Street Terminology

With the meltdown on Wall Street, it's important for even ordinary citizens to understand the terminology bankers and brokers use. Here's a start.

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my stockbroker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- On Wall Street, it's "standard" for their clients to be "poor", thus "Standard & Poor".

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $24 per share. (But then, you paid $54 per share....)

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought GM at $74 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

CAPITALISM -- What Republicans said wanted before they got hit by losses and embraced the Socialistic "bailout".

Posted October 17, 2008

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