The Wall on the Border

One of the columnists I read is "Chief Copyboy" Charles Stough, who writes a weekly-ish missive for the ink-stained wretches in the newspaper business, which he calls "The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild". I've been reading it for a ridiculous number of years.

Chas "retired" from his Dayton, Ohio, newspaper gig and moved to San Antonio, Texas. He didn't last long there -- culture shock forced a retreat to Dayton, where presumably he's resting easier now. Through thick and thin, with some time off here and there, he's kept his "BONG" column going. In his 7 September 2006 missive he suggests where the government might want to install that wall, which most have suggested be built between the U.S. and Mexico.

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Where To Put The Big Wall

by Charles Stough

It had to happen that BONG eventually would join the immigration controversy, that phony issue that displaced gay marriage and flag burning to get out the base. The Security Issues and Jobsite Purity Committee has rendered its recommendation that we don't build a huge wall along the Mexican border. Build it on the Texas state line. Keeping Texans out of the United States is a better idea because:

  • Texans bring low wage and lifestyle expectations to workplaces in the civilized world. They think an hour should get you three bottles of beer or two gallons of gas and what else matters? That makes it hard on the rest of us, who must buy soap and toothpaste.
  • Look at how much of downtown Houston doesn't even have sidewalks and ask yourself: What must their bathrooms be like?
  • Civilized Americans are much more likely to be confronted by a wife beater, tax evader, illegitimate parent (or child, for that matter), corporate polluter, violent criminal, drunk driver or road rager from Texas than from any Latin country.
  • Minority disclosure: We are grateful for the advance warning about Texas drivers in Chevy or GMC pickup trucks, who signal their approach with one front light burned out.
  • Even more than Hispanics on parade, Texans love waving a foreign flag. For some reason Texans glorify a republic that didn't even last long enough to print postage stamps.
  • Politicians in Texas are chosen by the height of their boots. There's a reason for that.
  • Texans scoff at laws against slaughtering horses. There are enough dead horses just lying around Texas to make chili; who needs to slaughter them?
  • For the above reasons, plus the fact that American jobs are threatened much more by India, Malaysia and China than by any Hispanic country, the committee favors an impenetrable wall at the Texas state line. This guarantees approval by New Mexico, Oklahoma and Louisiana. (Sorry, Mexico, you'll have to build your own.) Editorial writers please copy.

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    © 2006 The Burned-Out Newspapercreatures Guild -- reprinted by the demand of the last sentence.

    Posted September 11, 2006

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