The "Unanswerable" Questions

In an apparent attempt to be funny, a friend e-mailed me a list of "unanswerable" questions that have been going around. They're variously attributed to Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright, and others. I didn't care who wrote them when they rolled in; I just figured it was easy enough (and hopefully more funny) to answer them. Thus, my answers to The Unanswerable Questions.

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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

It does, as soon as it's dry. That's why you can't get dry glue out of the bottle.

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

Sure: go for it.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

No, I can't.

Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

To demonstrate need.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

No, but it's possible to be partially total.

What's another word for thesaurus?

Synonym-finder.

If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?

No; then it's an example.

If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

No.

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Cardboard.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

No, then you have double the problem.

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest is there a sound?

Sure -- if someone is there to hear it.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Only if he loses.

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Lanolin.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

No, and neither should anyone else -- have you seen the ingredient list?!

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

No, since funeral processions never arrive at night.

What do you do when a endangered animal eats endangered plants?

Smile.

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Yes.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?

Only if she sees it.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Only if another personality calls for help.

Is there another word for synonym?

Yes -- check your thesaurus.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Yes, but it is accurate.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Yes: they get printed before the strike.

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

No.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The beach, like the rest of us.

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Because people buy cat food, not cats.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

No. Mean flies call them "cripples".

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

No, they're afraid George Michael will try to sneak in.

If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Neither; he's dead.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

They don't. They just use new ones, which only come sterile.

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Because that's what their goggles were attached to, and they needed the goggles to fly.

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

No; there's nothing funny about clowns.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Preferably.

What is the speed of dark?

Zero.

How come we never hear about gruntled employees?

Because there aren't any.

Any more questions?

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Apparently, there were.... Don't miss more answers to the "unanswerable" on Wednesday!

Posted May 19, 2014 8:00 AM

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