The State of the Joke -- Part 5
A joke for every state in the union -- Part 5 of 5.
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A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ...and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back....
Kinky Friedman, entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: "Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive." And the punchline? Every native Texan will agree that's true.
An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.
"Do you smoke or drink?" asks the doctor.
"Those things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"
"Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either."
"Well then," says the doctor, "why the hell do you want to live to be a hundred?"
What did the guy from Burlington say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
"Hey, nice tan."
There are no Virginia jokes -- they're all reserved for West Virginia.
In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. --Amazon founder Jeff Bezos
A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he's met.
"Dad, she's fantastic. She's smart, in great shape, and she's getting her teaching certificate this spring. I'm thinking of asking her to marry me, but..."
"But what, son?" asks the father.
"She's a virgin."
The father scratches his beard and says, "Son, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours."
You know you're from Wisconsin when:
- You measure distance in hours.
- You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" and back again -- on the same day.
- You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals).
- You install security lights on your house and garage -- and leave both unlocked.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
- You consider Minneapolis exotic.
- Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
One foggy night, a University of Wyoming student and a Brigham Young University student were driving the opposite directions on a road near Laramie. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The BYU student manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the UWyo Cowboy gets out of his car uninjured -- he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The BYU student walks over to the Cowboy and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being bitter rivals."
The Wyoming student thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."
The Cowboy then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the BYU guy, "I think this is another sign: we should toast to our newfound friendship."
"Agreed!" said the BYU student. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Cowboy offers a swig to the Cougar and says, "Your turn!"
"I'm a Mormon," the BYU student says, "but you can offer a drink to the officer walking up behind you."
Posted May 11, 2016