The Modern Product Label

This is apparently a real label on a doormat. You wouldn't think that would need much of a disclaimer or warning, right? Well, here's what it says:

Doormat label

If that's difficult to read, it says:

This perfectly fine, if not certainly adequate doormat is MADE IN THE USA from 100% Olefin® Indoor/Outdoor carpet and printed with color-fast inks. Wash with hose and brush. Dry flat. Do not machine wash.

Important things you should know about your new doormat
Warning: Do not use mat as a projectile. Sudden acceleration to dangerous speeds may cause injury. When using mat, follow directions: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about. This mat is not designed to sustain gross weight exceeding 12,000 lbs. If mat begins to smoke, immediately seek shelter and cover head. Caution: If coffee spills on mat, assume that it is very hot. This mat is not intended to be used as a placemat. Small food particles trapped in fibers may attract rodents and other vermin. Do not glue mat to porous surfaces, such as pregnant women, pets and heavy machinery. When not in use, mat should be kept out of reach of children diagnosed with CFED (Compulsive Fiber Eating Disorder). Do not taunt mat. Failure to comply relieves the makers of this doormat, Simply Precious Home Decor, and its parent company, High Cotton, Inc., of any and all Liability.

I think they can still be sued, though: it doesn't warn to keep it away from adults with CFED. And what if kids aren't formally diagnosed, but are only suspected of having CFED? The company's lawyers really need to think about these things: that's why they get the big bucks.

And what sort of color-fast-printed doormat do they offer? Here's one I like:


It reads in large bold type, "COME BACK WITH A WARRANT." (No, law enforcement officers may not "Come in and look around.")


Posted December 28, 2012

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