Take This Job And...
Category: Work
This is one of those things that started as a joke (and yes, my friend Greg Bulmash is the one who wrote this), and then morphs into a phenomenon. It actually drives me nuts when someone takes an obvious joke and insists "This really happened!", as if that makes it funnier somehow. But no, it's just an amusing story that someone made up. Very early on, someone embellished it to say that it was an "actual application" that Greg made to McDonald's. Greg doesn't need to flip burgers, and anyone who sees how well he writes ought to be able to figure that out. But it's been circulating for years, and mostly the copies still even have Greg's name on it still. This is the original version.
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Take This Job And...
Copyright 1997 - Greg Bulmash - All Rights Reserved, reprinted with permission from the author.
April 10, 1997
As I was working on re-spinning my resume this past week, I realized that we're never quite truthful on resumes and job applications. We try to make ourselves look as good as possible, usually better than we really are. So today, I thought I'd fill out a job application the way I want to rather than the way I should...
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY?: Is "felony" sex with a cat? Because if it is... no.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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