Just to show you the extent of my archives, which is one reason why I don't want submissions for this site, this hit my inbox before Superbowl 1997. And you thought Superbowl 2004 was bad with the half-time "wardrobe malfunction"!
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! Blam! -- all the windows blow out.
He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-blooey!
A car passes going 90 miles an hour -- bulls-eye! Right in the window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he tracks him down and brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football and the Raiders go on to win the Superbowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Superbowl XXXII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Superbowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland."
Posted May 12, 2004