Stupid Resume Tricks
Things people actually put on their resumés (or cover letters). I weep for all mankind.
- I am very detail-oreinted.
- My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
- Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
- Strengths: Impersonal skills.
- It's best for employers that I not work with people.
- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
- If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
- I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
- Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
- Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.
- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
- Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
- I am a rabid typist.
- I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
- Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
- I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
- Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
- Special skills: Thyping.
- My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
- Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
- Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
- Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
- Previous rank: Senior instigator.
- I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
- Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
- Personal achievements: Successfully played "Chop Sticks" on a toy piano with my big toes.
Posted May 4, 2012