Redneck Rules of Etiquette

Sent by my buddy "Jawn", originally from West Viginia, who topped it with the note, "These aren't spoofs; that's the way it really works!"

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General

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you're sure that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  • Entertaining in Your Home

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
  • Personal Hygiene

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
  • Dating

    (Note: these rules apply both inside and outside the family)

  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
  • Posted May 14, 2008

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