Order in the Court

A friend of mine in the Pacific Northwest has a friend who's a lawyer. The lawyer had told her of a couple of courtroom pranks he had pulled, and she was kind enough to share them with me. I, of course, knowing pure genius when I saw it, immediately asked if I could give this wider distribution. He agreed, with the not-exactly-unreasonable request that I not include his name.

Lawyers can be pretty danged fun sometimes.

About 8 years ago, I had not yet discovered the joy of having buttons to hold my braces on. I was given to wearing the snap-on type. One day during a closing argument in which I had the jury raptly listening to my every word, I engaged in my habit of putting my thumbs into my braces and tugging. One of the braces snapped free and struck me in the head, narrowly missing my eye. I was a bit surprised by this turn of events and must have had quite a look of astonishment on my face. As my vision and hearing slowly cleared I became aware of the entire courtroom howling with laughter. The prosecutor, who had been standing near the witness box to get a better view of an exhibit I was flailing with, was nearly on the floor.

Even the judge, ever professionally humorless, allowed a smile to pass across his face like the sun on a gloomy meadow.

I won the case.

The next two tales are of deliberate pranks, though one of them backfired on me. Let's start with that one.

I had been given a small lawyer doll for my birthday; a stuffed idol about 6 inches tall and holding a briefcase. When you squeezed its tummy it would utter some lawyerly phrase in an emphatic manner. Among its repertoire were the phrases "I'll see YOU in COURT" and "My client is INNOCENT!" As it happened, I had a hearing in court a few days later, a pretrial event known familiarly as a "cattle call". Herds of lawyers would assemble in the courtroom to await a one minute hearing where they would announce whether they were ready for trial or offer some excuse for delay that they hoped would please the judge. It is one of the most mind-numbingly boring calendars for the judges. At least the attorneys can chat with one another while awaiting their turn.

The prosecutor on my case was a young pup, newly out of law school and even more newly hired by the prosecutor's office. Noticing that he still appeared nervous when appearing in court, I thought I would try his mettle. I brought The Doll. As we were called to the bar, I surreptitiously withdrew the tiny lawyer from my briefcase, with the intent of handing it to the prosecutor at an opportune moment. The prosecutor would take the doll, squeezing it as he did so, and thus causing it to speak. The rest of us would be thus entertained at his expense and he would be gain a trivial war story to tell his buddies.

Alas! The best laid plans of mice and men gang aught awry. Or something like that. As I took the doll out of my briefcase, I grasped it too hard and it spoke. It seemed much louder than I recalled it at home; loud enough to cause the entire courtroom to fall silent and stare inexplicably in my direction. The Judge furrowed his just brow and looked at me for an explanation.

"Uh ... er ... it's The Doll", I stammered.

More furrowing, demonstrating greater perplexity from the bench.

"The doll?" I muttered, losing hope. I held the offending creature up for all to see and explained, "It talks."

A titter began making the rounds behind me, while the judge looked from doll to lawyer, doubtless observing the uncanny resemblance. The judge was clearly not understanding, and was equally clearly wanting badly to understand. So I squeezed the doll to demonstrate.

"PAY UP, DEADBEAT" it exclaimed! I felt that was not an appropriate note on which to leave the matter, so I squeezed it again.

"MY CLIENT IS INNOCENT!" it declared! There! That was much better.

Having fully comprehended the true triviality of what was occurring, the judge rolled his eyes and buried his head in his arms while the assembled herd hooted and yammered with laughter. The prosecutor and intended butt of my prank had already fled the scene.

My astonished client was nearly on the floor in tears -- presumably of laughter.

I proudly slunk out of the courtroom. That tale is told to this day down at the courthouse. So I hear. I later went to see the judge and make sure he wasn't overly angry with me. Fortunately, he was an old friend of mine. He laughed when I mentioned the incident and declared with a twinkle, "Such disrespect for the court! I almost had to use my gavel!" before breaking out in laughter again at the thought.

The third and final story is of a prank that actually went as intended.

It was Halloween eve in 1994. I was in court for trial on a case where my client was charged with assaulting a police officer with a crossbow. The case was incredibly defensible -- so much so that the prosecutor's office had put a new kid on it who clearly wanted to ditch it rather than lose in front of a jury. But his efforts to persuade his supervisor to drop the case were for naught. He was sent forth to "get some trial experience".

To add some spice to the mix, my client was a transgendered person, switching from female to male. That is indirectly how the case arose, in fact. He received a gas bill in the name of "Ava" and refused to acknowledge it as he was now "David", "Ava" being dead according to him. He had quite the go-round with the gas company, refusing to pay a penny unless he was properly billed.

They sent the gas man around to shut off his gas for non-payment. The gas man found the meter guarded by a large, snarling German shepherd on a 12 foot tether. He followed procedure and called the police.

Two officers arrived and began trying get David to see reason. At one point they asked him for some identification. David went to get it, and they observed him in a large window picking up a crossbow. They claimed he aimed it directly at them, thus constituting assault. They ultimately contrived to arrest him for the offense.

The prosecutor became nervous when it became evident that the rookie officer had actually not seen what he'd written in his report. In an interview he said that as soon as he saw the crossbow he dove behind a large tree. The other officer was quite specific about what he'd seen and his claim that David had aimed a loaded crossbow directly at him. He purported to know all about those crossbows, which (according to him) could pierce skin and cause injury, but wouldn't break a window. Until I reminded him by way of a question, he had forgotten that David was behind a large plate glass window the whole time. The window did not open.

As if that weren't enough fun, my client was a Wiccan who called himself a witch and engaged in various and diverse forms of divination and spell casting. He was also a very nice, if somewhat eccentric, person.

It being All Hallow's Eve and all, I thought I'd amuse the court and my brand new associate, just hired out of a local law school. He had never before been to court. Just before the judge came out, I put on a long, flowing blond wig and some lipstick. The bailiff and clerk raised their eyebrows, but before they could say anything there came a single, sharp rap at the inside door -- the judge was ready to be announced. Looking at me dubiously, the bailiff stood and intoned,

"All rise! Criminal court Division 4 is now in session, the honorable John Darrah presiding."

The Judge strode into the courtroom. The judge was a nice fellow, but very straight and narrow (yes, he was also tall and thin) and as humorless as they come. He looked straight at me and did not so much as wince, smirk, or twinkle, much less guffaw.

I then heard the main door to the courtroom open. I turned to find my new associate trying as hard as possible to look like he'd never seen me before and had stumbled into the wrong courtroom by accident. At that moment, the guards led my client in (who had contrived to have himself locked up on a different matter about a week earlier). The guards were so stunned by the sight that they let go of my client, who promptly fell to the floor in gales of laughter.

Through all of this, the prosecutor looked utterly perplexed. We told the judge that we were ready. But before we could proceed, the prosecutor asked for a recess to discuss settlement. The judge left the bench, and the prosecutor agreed to an "Alford" plea to a misdemeanor charge with no jail or other penalty. ("Alford" plea means a plea where someone does not actually admit guilt). That was tantamount to outright dismissal and my client took the deal.

I like to think it was the wig that made that difference. But perhaps it was my shade of lipstick?

Posted May 18, 2004 12:13 AM

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