When a newspaper uses a term like "informed source", what does it really mean? Herewith a glossary of newspaper terms.
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According to published reports: We got scooped
Activist: Will talk to press
All American: White kid caught in criminal act
Allegedly: He did it but we can't prove it
Beautiful: A woman who's been savagely murdered
Beloved: Someone who's been around so long no one can stand them anymore
Blonde: See "beautiful"
Brutally raped: Raped
Byline includes "With News wire services": No original reporting whatsoever -- we just changed the lede (first paragraph)
Celebrity: Someone that has a publicist
Choked up: Definitely could have been crying
Confirmed bachelor: See "Flamboyant"
Conflagration: What was a fire in the first paragraph, a blaze in the second and an inferno in the third.
Controversial: He did something bad but we're not sure what
Couldn't be reached for comment: The reporter didn't call until after 5 p.m.
Dapper: Hasn't bought new clothes in 20 years.
Diminutive: Under 5 feet tall
Effervescent: She won't shut up
Elite: See "prestigious"
Embattled: He should quit
Entrepreneur: Hasn't made it yet, but we're doing a nice story about him
Exclusive neighborhood/school/club: The reporter can't get in
Exclusive: No one else returned the publicist's calls
Family Values: Right-wing idiot
Feisty: Short, old female
Flamboyant: homosexual
Full-figured: tits out to here
Gentleman bandit: He wore nice shoes, rather than sneakers
Good Samaritan: Too stupid to run away
Guru: See "Self-styled"
Heiress: Able to hire a pricey divorce lawyer
Hero cop: He got killed.
Hero firefighter: He put out a fire.
High-brow: Boring
Highly placed source: One who would talk
Hot button issue: Only editors care about it
Informed source: Reads our newspaper
Innocent bystander: Too slow to run away
Intensely private: Not promoting anything right now
Investigating: Waiting for someone to drop a dime
Knowledgable observer: The reporter
Knowledgable observers: The reporter and the person at the next desk
Legendary: About to die
Long-time companion: They had sex once
Mean streets: Slums
Mega-mogul: Has made it, and is in process of losing it
Moderate: Fence straddler
Modest, well-kept home: The cockroaches are dead.
Mogul: Has made it, and we're doing a hatchet job.
Never: No clips about it in our files
Outspoken: Rude man
Petite: Emaciated
Plucky: Someone who is very, very young, very, very old, or very, very short who is ambulatory
Political Action Committee contribution: Bribe
Prestigious: Has indoor plumbing
Progressive: Left-wing idiot
Rarely interviewed: Promoting something right now
Recently: We lost the press release
Reportedly: We stole this bit of information
Savagely murdered: Murdered
Scandal-plagued: Guilty
Scrappy: A runt
Screen Legend: Reporter is too young to remember his/her movies
Self-styled: Phony
Sexy: Better looking than reporter's mate
Shapely: Face like a mud fence
Shocking revelation: Leaked on a slow news day
Socialite: Woman without job who lives between 57th and 86th streets, west of Lex. and East of Fifth.
Source who spoke on condition of anonymity: Publicist
Statuesque: Tits out even further
Street-wise: Hasn't been hit by a bus so far
Strident: Rude woman
Stunned: Couldn't give a decent quote
Supermodel: Her picture was printed somewhere
Superstar: He has a publicist and an agent
Tearful: Could have been crying
Teen idol: Reporter is too old to have heard of him
Temblor: Reporter has a thesaurus
Tony neighborhood: Has no McDonald's
Troubled youth: He once lit something on fire
Unclear, uncertain, unknown at press time: No one will tell us
Venerable: Should be dead but isn't
War-torn: We can't find it on a map
Weeping: Tear spotted in one eye
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