New Travel Guidelines

I have no recollection where I got the original, but I doctored it up by adding some details -- and putting it in the format of an "official" memo from the travel department of where I worked at the time. It was pulled off my bulletin board and run through copiers many, many times!

Due to recently announced budgetary constraints relating to the new Administration, the following Guidelines have been established for all JPL/Government-related travel as of January 20, 1993.

1. TRANSPORTATION

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is the preferred choice. Fluorescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure (these must be returned to the Travel Office upon return or the employee will be charged for their replacement). Bus transportation will be used whenever hitchhiking is not possible. Airline tickets will be authorized for purchase only in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fare will be used. Any employee with adequate "frequent flyer miles" will be required to utilize same before being reimbursed for any airline fare.


2. ACCOMMODATIONS

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives, friends, or acquaintances met while enroute. If weather permits, public areas such as parks, roadside rest stops, parking lots or heated grates (of public buildings only) shall be used for lodging. In inclement weather, travellers are advised to make use of bridges, overpasses, tunnels and/or cardboard boxes for the greatest comfort.


3. MEALS

Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain outlets such as Price Club often provides free samples of promotional items -- entire meals can often be provided, free of charge, in this manner. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food. Tuna, Spam and Spaghetti-Os can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother and expense of heating.


4. OTHER

All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our Team Effort to save funds. One enterprising Section Manager has already demonstrated the effectiveness of fundraising during airport layovers by helping other travellers with their luggage or simply by wearing white robes and sticking open cans in other people's faces.


We thank you for your efforts to reduce travel expenditures. If we all pull together, we may be able to avoid drastic measures to reduce travel costs.

Posted September 18, 2004

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