New Theory of Stupidity: The Stupon
Brain scientists have stunned the world with their discovery of the "stupon" -- a subatomic particle given off by the human brain.
When a stupon hits a brain cell, researchers say, that brain cell gives off two stupons. Then, the affected area of the brain suspends activity for a brief period of time while the stupons regenerate, which takes an enormous amount of energy. This is observable outside the laboratory during a so-called "stupon storm", when several stupid people get together. The classic sign seen during a stupon storm is the blank expression on the victim's faces after one of the group does something especially stupid. This is, in fact, the origin of the saying that someone appeared to be "struck dumb" by normal onlookers.
Stupid people's brains are awash in stupons, Heisenberg says, which is why they are so stupid. They also emit copious quantities of stupons, which is why being around a stupid person can make you feel stupid, or even do stupid things yourself. Close proximity to stupid people for lengthy periods of time can actually cause brain damage in the normal person, thanks to "The Stupon Effect" on the normal brain, Heisenberg points out.
Sadly, the researcher says, even smart people sometimes emit stupons. "If you put enough normal people together -- say, in a corporate meeting or session of Congress -- then they begin to trade stupons at an accelerated rate, making the people stupider and increasing the production of stupons in a vicious feedback loop." This is very similar to the way a nuclear chain reaction functions.
Heisenberg and other researchers are scrambling to invent stupon detectors, which would work like carbon monoxide detectors and sound an alarm to clear the room in the event there were too many stupons floating around, as well as stupon-resistant hats, which would protect the wearer from other people's stupons.
Observers say that should this anti-stupon hat effort be successful (sadly, the first attempt using tin foil failed completely -- for reasons obvious for the non-stupon-impaired), taxpayers should demand all federal employees -- especially legislators -- to wear the device anytime he or she is within 100 yards of any other federal employee.
To help support this vital research, please have a credit card ready and call 1-800-STUPON to contribute whatever you can.
Posted October 8, 2010