My Apologies

Note: contains foul language. Offended by that? Then don't read it.

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This hit my mailbox in November 1994 -- it had gone around like wildfire. When I first sent it to a group of friends, I commented, "I dunno -- do you think he sounds sincere enough?" As far as I can tell, it was written to settle a bet by the author, who "signs" it at the bottom.

Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 09:36:28 -1000 (HST)
From: "Zoweee Wow, KSC" [e-mail address redacted]
Subject: My Tongue Ring (A Public Apology)

In accordance with the terms laid out on Monday, November 7th, 1994, I do hereby offer Public and Embarrassing Apology to a large group of strangers for my statement upon that day that "Tongue rings don't hurt at all, you fucking wusses."

In my most remarkable stupidity, I dared to contradict the wisdom of my obvious superiors simply because the piercing itself was not painful. I proved my inability to grasp even the simple concepts underlying the body's willingness to Seek Revenge against Stupid Assholes Like Myself for acts Most Heinous against the organism. Furthermore, I did this in direct opposition to people who OWNED tongue piercings, knew the pain they cause, and are obviously more intelligent than I.

To fulfill the terms of this agreement, I do hereby authorize the further propagation of this Apology For Being a Shitheel, and hope that my name will be placed somewhere near that of Hitler and Napoleon in the annals of dimwitted jerkoffs, being second in bozosity only to people who believe that attacking the russians in autumn is a Wise Plan.

Now, someone give me some Percocet before I die.

Zoweee Wow, Idiot-at-Large (23rd Congressional District)
Kapi'olani Community College
University of Hawaii

Posted July 30, 2008

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