Midlife Crisis

Midlife is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.

In midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Midlife is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is now the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Midlife brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Midlife is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In midlife your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Midlife means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally - more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Midlife means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But midlife also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.

Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Posted May 4, 2005

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