Mens' Responses to Women's Complaints
To Women everywhere, from the Men who have had enough!
(And by the way: this was sent to me by a woman.)
- If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us anymore -- we refuse to answer.
- Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. And don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such subjects as belly button lint or monster trucks.
- Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the tides: there's nothing you can do about it. And shopping isn't a sport, never was a sport and never will be a sport.
- When we're going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Just fine. The first thing you put on. Truly. Now let's get going already!
- You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Most guys own just 3 pairs of shoes. Why do you think we'd be any good at choosing which of your 30 pairs goes well with that dress?
- Crying is blackmail. Blackmail is cheating. Men don't like people who cheat. See "Sports".
- Just come out and ask for what you want. Let's be absolutely clear on this point: Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work, really obvious hints don't work. If you're really serious about it, just come right out and ask us. And by the way, the answer is probably "no".
- We don't know what day it is, and never will. Write all birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the calendar, and make sure we see it.
- Trust me on this, standing up while peeing makes it much harder to aim. We're bound to miss sometimes. It's not the end of the world.
- "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that recurs every night is a problem. See a doctor.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless there's fighting in it.
- Check your dang oil. And if your car makes a "funny noise", say something now -- don't wait until it gets worse. Remember: it always gets worse.
- It is not in your best interest or ours to take that magazine quiz together. It doesn't matter which magazine or which quiz.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and all comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way. Really.
- Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. As my old friend Rich used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an appetite, OK?
- You can either tell us to do something or tell us how to do something, but not both.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into "pretty much white."
- When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.
- Know how you feel about handbags? That's how we feel about beer.
- If we ask what's wrong, and you say "nothing", we'll act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying -- it's just not worth the hassle to dig it out of you. So if you have something to say, just say it!
- Finally, if we've settled an argument, it's settled, OK? Don't start it all over again later. If it's not settled in your mind, don't agree to the settlement the first time.
Posted June 13, 2004 9:14 AM
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