Homeland Security Alerts

With the recent bank seizures, unemployment figures and other bad news, the Department of Homeland Security has announced it will start issuing a series of color-coded stock market alerts in order to advise investors as to the appropriate level of anxiety, depression, and suicidal feelings they should be experiencing during the coming stock market crash.

By issuing these stock market alerts, we believe that we can help Americas investors panic, lose sleep, or kill themselves in an orderly fashion. The color-coded system, unveiled in a White House ceremony yesterday, is as follows:

Only two new criminal investigations launched against major corporations today, with the Dow expected to drop no more than three hundred points; investors are urged to act with irrational exuberance.

President Bush will make a major economic speech today; investors are advised to convert their 401(k) plans to gold coins and food-related commodities.

Martha Stewart has barricaded herself inside her Westport home, and is holding off SEC investigators with a Cuisinart blade; investors urged to drain their bank accounts and keep the proceeds in their underwear, bra, or body cavities.

Alan Greenspan has been seen drinking bourbon directly from the bottle on the steps of the Federal Reserve; investors should immediately organize yard sales and car washes, and hoard gasoline.

At least five federal officials have left the country in a single-engine plane with $80 billion in gold looted from Ft. Knox; investors are encouraged to throw themselves in front of a speeding bus -- if they can find any that can afford enough fuel to move.

Posted September 8, 2008

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