Jumbo Joke: Humor the Way You Like It

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in the Corporate World

• Indecision is the key to flexibility.

• You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

• Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

• Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

• Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

• Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

• Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

• I have seen the truth and it doesn't make as much sense as you think.

• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

• All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

• One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

• By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

• The more you run over a dead squirrel, the flatter it gets.

• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

• This is as bad as it can get -- but don't count on it.

• Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

• The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

• The first rats off of the sinking ship are the best swimmers.

Posted December 4, 2005 7:30 PM