Divorce Lawyers Need Not Apply

A friend sent this to me in 1994, after I had been divorced long enough to have had several really bad dates. When I sent it around to friends at that time, I added, "Also, please note that I'm not bitter." :-)

Singles Questionnaire

Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. I will grade your responses and get back to you.

1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and leave it as food for wild jackals

2) When singing in the shower, you will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) The theme from Psycho

3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons

4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-horns

5) Your personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbitt

6) When it comes to cars, you:
a) Take good care of your car and change the oil regularly
b) Think (giggle) "What's oil?"
c) Think fuzzy dice are cool!
d) Want a Mercedes -- now!

7) If you man wants to date you, he must also like your:
a) Family
b) Pet
c) Therapist
d) Current husband

8) You have subscriptions to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and TV Guide
d) Grit and Weekly Reader

9) You'd like to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed

10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade

11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping

12) You want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JiffyLube
d) Man who owns a shoe store

13) You really admire:
a) Your parents, for bringing you up right
b) Your teachers, for teaching you about life
c) The makers of "Velveeta"
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor

14) What attracted you most to me (physically) is/are my:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards

15) What attracted you most to me (mentally) is/are my:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?

16) You really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate "Beavis and Butthead"
d) Do the dishes

17) You can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Supplemental oxygen
c) "Entertainment Tonight"
d) Makeup

18) If I were really depressed, you would:
a) Listen to my problems
b) Rub my back
c) Get me drunk
d) Laugh

19) Your favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K and Star Trek: TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and America's Most Wanted
d) Roseanne and Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual

20) Your favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Dasz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still-quivering heart

21) A man should know where you keep your:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns

22) You would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray your country
c) Miss Wheel of Fortune
d) Spend one more minute with me

23) The most hellish, vile place on Earth is:
a) Afghanistan
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) My bedroom

24) The one phrase you would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first place."

25) If a man was to propose to you, you would:
a) Cry
b) Call your mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably

Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur".

Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.

Posted July 27, 2012

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