Jumbo Joke: Humor the Way You Like It

Actual Entries on Hospital Charts

This item was sent to me by my old buddy whom I call "Jawn". He's a psychologist, and his brother Jim is indeed an M.D.

Jawn sends: "When I recently visited my brother Jim, a family practitioner, I had some time to kill while he finished office hours. So I idly leafed through some patient "charts" that were stacked on his desk. As you see, good writing runs in our family."

Actual Entries on Hospital Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
   very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
   disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
   depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but
   forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
    40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
    got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
    therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
    stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
    the abdomen, and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
    

Posted May 24, 2004 11:44 AM